Quiet on the Home Front

I've been hiding out a bit this week.  Mostly because I'm exhausted.  I just finished up my two busiest weeks of the year at work, and I completed crashed.  On top of that, a new medication I've been taking is leaving me devoid of energy.  Anything I actually accomplished in the past two weeks was purely a result of adrenaline.  And now, I have no adrenaline.  I am completely content to come home from work and lay on the couch.  A lot.  I know that's super lazy, and honestly I haven't been a total vegetable (I'm still cooking).  I also managed to completely finish our 2010 finances this week.  But I just haven't had the energy to leave the house. 

I've been living vicariously through the handful of of people I know who moved to Europe this month:  seeing their pictures and hearing their stories of language barriers and early culture shock.  It's quite motivating.  Interesting.  Inspiring. 

I've been thinking of starting a separate blog, focusing on my view of our ministry.  But I go back and forth as to whether or not to do that.  Anyway...

I pretty much just wanted to let my friends know that I have not fallen off the face of the earth, I'm not curled up in the fetal position somewhere, but I'm just tired.  :)  In a good, resting, relaxing sort of way.

Did you know?

A friend of mine was denied housing in Italy because he was an evangelical Christian.  True story.  Not something you'd typically expect from Italians. 

Cold to the true Gospel.  Rejecting of any sort of relationship with Jesus Christ.  This is modern day Italy.  They don't need our charity, they don't need our education, food, etc.  But they do need the Gospel.  It will take intentionality.  It will take work.  It will take sacrifice and prayer.  It will be hard. 

But we're going.  And we want you to go with us.

Today

I have a friend who chooses a word for the year, sort of as a New Year's Resolution of sorts.  Then throughout the year that word is your motivation, your drive, your inspiration for change in all areas of your life.  Word like "Driven" and "Believe" seem so inspiring to me.  Yet I can't seem to come up with a word for me.  (I'm really not one for resolutions.) 

Until now.  (Who didn't see that coming?)  My word is Today.  With where I find myself in life right now, a constant struggle for me is living where I am, in the present.  By nature I'm a planner, a list maker, a preparer.  I'm preparing for the futures I hope I get to live in one day.  I'm preparing for situations that are unknown.  I'm preparing to leave the life I know for Italy to tell people about Jesus.  Future, future, future.  By the way, I find it incredibly difficult to 'not know' things.  Like - how much our income will be in July.  Or where we'll live in a year.  Things like that - I don't like not knowing.  Well, I pretty much like knowing everything, so I very much dislike any sort of unknown.  Smile.

My goal for 2011 is just to live for today, as much as I can while still working towards our goal of ministering in Italy.  To a certain extent I have to focus on Italy to raise support for our ministry and share our story with our future partners.  But, as much as I can, I want to live for now and take advantage of the days we have here with our friends and family.  Today is important.  Today is all that we have.  (Except that there are people dying everyday...but that's not the point of this.)  That's my goal - living today. 

My stumbling block is that I have to incorporate getting to Italy into my today, without focusing only on Italy.  I have to incorporate preparing for the future into my today, without living in the future.  Who knows - it may never come.

Thankful for today.  Focusing on today.  Remembering everyday, that today is the day.

Mental Health Day

I think I need a mental health day.  Between the pressure of preparing for Avant's Candidate Orientation Program and the fertility regimen, my body / brain is going crazy.  (So yesterday's rather depressing post...I'm blaming on the hormones/drugs injected into my body.  I wonder how much I can get away with blaming on the drugs?)

I just have to say I have the most amazing patient husband.  He really has been through the wringer lately.  Dealing with Crazy Meghan has not been fun.  In my defense, I've not been overly depressed, its more crankiness.  Though that may be worse.  In any case, Josh deserves a reward. 

suitcases

Tomorrow is a big day.  The Madrid team is deploying.  Brea and Hannah are deploying.

 Nikki's packing process...

Brea's luggage...

Cram your life into a handful of suitcases?   How does your entire life fit into ... four suitcases.  Oi vey.

Verge

Last night I had an intense conversation with a close friend.  Some of it was good intense, some of it, tense intense.  I'm not sure if it was our conversation, my exhaustion, my emotions, or simply being at the end of my rope...but so many emotions flooded to the surface.  I responded to an email from a dear friend whom I haven't talked to in way too long...which resulted in even more emotions.  I sent a few deserpate messages off to people I miss.  And then I cried. 

The result of last night is me on the verge of tears whenever I start to actually think about something.  Not because of bad stuff, or at least all bad stuff, but more because of the sheer volume of thoughts and emotions and processes going through my head.  And to be honest, some really hard stuff.  I might burst.  If you ask me how I'm doing, be prepared.  I may just decide to tell you, which would quickly lead to me in a pile of tears and incoherent words. 

I feel as if we had a very blessed holiday season.  I was able to smile about situations and really realize how blessed we are.  I got some shine back.  I was starting to climb out of the valley.  When someone asked how I was doing, I was good.  And that was an honest answer.  I'm still good.  But its as if last night I was forced to face all the things I'm struggling with.  Those nasty little voices in my head have been getting louder the past few months; my answer was to pretend they were there.  Last night I stopped pretending.  Largely because I was too tired to push the thoughts to the back of my mind.  So they were just there - staring me in the face. 

I feel numb.  I feel raw.  If in fact it is possible to have both those feelings at once. 

So Much.

The past month has felt like a lifetime.  Well, maybe not quite, but almost.  So much has happened.  So many things are happening.

A couple left our Italy team.  We haven't seen our small group in a month.  COP starts tomorrow.  Christmas with Josh's family.  A super relaxing New Year's break, just us.  The elephant in the room everyone is afraid to talk about is sucking the life out of me.  Ugh...I need some momentum for life again.  I need some motivation and some exciting things to happen.

I'm trying to live in the now.  But how do I live in the now and get my butt prepared to be a missionary at the same time.


Edit:  And now I'm crying.  Well that was a successful blog post.

What's for Dinner?

I'm hungry.  Which is weird.  Because I have an huge event next week.  And, if you know me, you know that normally when I get stressed before an event, I lose my appetite.

8:30:  I had eggs and cheese for breakfast - yay protein.  Had half a dozen chocolate nuggets.  Was super hungry by 11:30.  (That protein normally lasts me until 12:30.)
Noon:  Went to Olive Garden for a friend's birthday:  two bowls of salad, five bread sticks, and my entire entree of lasagna.  Hungry by 4:30.  Super hungry now at 5:16, after eating two bite sized pieces of chocolate.
(I just have to say - that lunch is incredibly not normal for me.  Both health wise and size wise.)
6p.m.:  big dinner.  Portion sizes out of control.  Chicken, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes and gravy, cornbread.  I ate all my food.  Which never happens.  (Josh was a little sad.)
11:30: I'm so hungry I'm considering making pancakes.  But I'm already in bed and this is ridiculous.  Seriously.  I wonder if I can even fall asleep this hungry? 

A good kind of jealous...

I know so many people moving overseas in the next week.  Two beautiful girls moving to Verona, Italy, and a dozen or so people to Valladolid & Madrid, Spain.  Someday, this will be us!  18 months to our target date.  So exciting.  But oh so very thankful for the time we have here:  to prepare our hearts, minds, and spirits for all that we'll encounter as missionaries.  Very, very excited for all my friends!  I plan on posting pictures of their piles of luggage:  some taking five suitcases for a family of three, some singles taking four suitcases per person, some families taking 20 tubs ...wondering where I will fall in the midst of that.  (And wondering how I'll fight with airlines over baggage fees.)  I predict that Josh will get one suitcase and I'll get...several.