Its been almost three years since I wrote anything here. Absolutely nothing is the same. Except Jesus. And He knew the whole time. There is nothing about my life that resembles the life I thought I'd have. This isn't what I envisioned. Its not what I longed for. I dreamed of being a missionary, overseas, telling people the Gospel for the first time. I dreamed of house churches that looked more like dinner parties. And digging into the Bible with people for the first time. I dreamed of raising my kids as missionary kids, and living this life that wasn't comfortable, but that revolved around Jesus.
That's not what our life is. My husband became a teacher. We live in the suburbs. Our house has a three car garage and a fenced in back yard, four bedrooms, three point five baths. I could say that God's plan was so much better than mine, but I don't. Mostly because I don't want the 'better' to be translated as our perfect little comfortable American life. It is. But that's not what's 'better' about His plan.
I struggle here. To find and live joy in this American dream life I'm living. Because it wasn't my dream. But it was 'better.' It is 'better'. The 'better' is being in the center of God's will. I've found that there is so much more joy, immesurably more, in being in God's will. If we were overseas missionaries I'd probably be happy. But that's not joy. God has been so affirming, over and over and over again. This is where God has us. And I have joy in that, in the knowing with my whole heart that I'm where God wants me. The alternative might be 'my dream', it might seem like the great Christian thing to do, but if I was always wondering, uncertain if this was truly God's plan, that's not joy.
And do you know what? Our lives still run towards Jesus. He's here with us everyday. In my parenting, in my friendships, in our interactions. We do our best, I do my best, to point the people around me to Jesus. I fail over and over again. But He's still there.