Table at Chili's

Let me say this to wrap up my three day holiday weekend: I am thankful. But it was hard, at times. This is hard. This part of our life, this deputation, raising support, living completely on faith-is hard. We started the weekend receiving a three page letter (seriously, three pages) explaining why a couple had decided not to support us. So many emotions flowed through me as we drove home from work Friday afternoon, as I read the letter and processed. I was disapointed, hurt, a little angry, proud, scared, convicted, discouraged, encouraged, hopeful, thankful. I wanted to cry. I am proud of this couple for not supporting us: because they are following the Holy Spirit's leading on their hearts. I know that the Lord has already called each and every one of our supporters and I pray everyday that they following the call on their hearts and step out in faith to support us. I know it must have been hard for this couple to say no, especially since they are family. She wrote three pages for goodness sake-this was not a decision they took lightly. Yes, it hurt. It still hurts. I will still probably have moments wondering why we weren't worthy. Yet I know in my heart, that they are following the Holy Spirit. Just like I am.

After church our friends asked us to join them for lunch. Chili's. How could we say no? Ok, I suggested Chili's but I happen to know they're big fans. As we drove (separately) I said to Josh something like, "I think if they would support us, it would just mean the world. I don't know why, but I feel like that would mean so much." We had a great time at lunch. Talking about their new house. And then they started asking questions. About Italy. And then deeper, about why missions, and why us, and just all these great questions. It was so amazing. Encouraging. Sometimes I feel as if our friends are sick of hearing about it, but this was relaxed, organic conversation. Simply talking about our ministry, and their interest it felt as if God was reassuring my heart and putting my mind at ease, that He was preparing the hearts of our friends and family in His own time. And then he dropped the bomb: "We just want you guys to know we're going to support you." God is amazing. We are so thankful. I am so thankful. Our friends are beside us in this journey.

I believe 'deputation' is a time God created for growth. Some people say yes, some people say no. These are growing pains. The couple who aren't supporting us: I love them to death. The couple who is: I love them too. I loved them before they were supporting us, and I'd love them if they weren't. This time is about letting God lead our supporters, and trusting that He has a plan far greater than mine. I am so thankful for this weekend, emotions and all. I know there is so much more to come. It's so cliche, but when God closes a door He opens a window. This is faith.

Saturday!

Finally Saturday! My favorite day of the week. Today I will not grocery shop, go to the bank, wash or fold laundry. I have already been to the gym. What do to with this gorgeous day!!!! I think Josh and I will dream the day away.

The Nislys
This past week has been busy! Josh and I went out every night after Monday - we're never that busy! It was great. Jordan and Nikki Nisly are a missionary couple raising support to minister in the Philippines. We've been blessed to get to know them over the past several months. Even if we go the entire evening without discussing ministry or deputation, to know that they 'get it' is such a relief. They share the same frustrations we do. The same struggles. The same stories of encouragement. They 'get it' - what our lives are about right now. (Its also great because Nikki and I are both health food junkies and dragging our men along with us.) We love them.

Here's to dreaming the day away!

Note: (I wrote the above around noon today; its now 10 pm.) I had a wonderful Saturday. Dreaming in the sun. Downtime. A new cardigan and ice cream.

Careers I Would Love

I've posted before about my desire to be a stay at home wife. Someday a stay at home mom. This may sound contradictory, but there are a few careers I wish I had. Keep in mind: all from home where I'm in PJs.

Family Photographer
Writer
Custom Scrapbooker - seriously, if I could figure out how to get paid to do this. Oh my.

There may be a few others, but these are my dream jobs.

Borrowed Wisdom

Check out my friend Jill's blog. I think she wrote this for me.

Slower Pace

Remember that post when I talked about my messy home and I was going to stay up 90 minutes later so I had time to clean? Well, the staying up 90 minutes has worked out great. The using it to accomplish housework has not. However, staying up a bit later has lessened the business of my evening. I can take a little longer at the gym, make dinner without rushing, etc. Though I'm not doing much additional cleaning, the slower pace of a longer evening has definitely felt better.

Now that I'm evaluating, perhaps I'm accomplishing more than I realize. This slower pace of life means I put my dirty plate in the dishwasher instead of the sink, I take my smelly gym clothes to their appropriate basket in the guest bathroom, I fold the throw blanket before I go to bed, and sometimes even clean off the coffee table. (I didn't clean off the coffee table last night.) Oh, and don't get me started on my guest bathroom. I have indeed re purposed it as laundry room.

In conclusion, I'm making progress. 90 minutes may not mean that I'm on top of my laundry, but at least I didn't berate Josh on the way to work because my black dress pants weren't dry.

Wonderful Weekend.

I had the most wonderful, relaxing weekend. The gorgeous weather, perfect temperature, and slow pace of life was just what I need to calm myself down after a crazy (ok, hormone charged emotional) week. Josh and I planned a Netflix marathon for Friday night which was preceded by a trip to the Plaza for the Cheesecake Factory. We absolutely love this restaurant; as creatures of habit we frequent it whenever our finances allow for a little splurge.

Saturday
My favorite day of the week. I try not to do anything I dislike on Saturdays. For instance: no grocery shopping, no laundry, no errands to the bank if I can avoid it. Instead, this saturday we slept in, went to the City Market for our produce, spent a couple hours sorting old 'stuff' in Linda's basement - this was allowable on a Saturday because it was long overdue, it was beautiful so it wasn't so bad, and it meant lunch with Linda. Also on Saturday was the daily trip to the gym (I hurt my hip - again!) and peanut butter pancakes while we continued our Friday Night Lights Marathon in the evening. Every few months Josh and I have one of these marathons of our favorite shows. It may sound lazy, but as the end of the weekend rolled around, I think my favorite weekends are those when Josh and I just go at our own pace, and settle in for a marathon. No lists, no expectations, just us. It may not be exciting, but its refreshing. Lists can wait for Mondays, which stink anyway.

Purging

Since college, I've stored a bunch of my 'college stuff' in Linda's basement. Today was finally the day to go through most of it. Some I kept, some I threw away, and some was donated to Goodwill. I love getting rid of stuff. Its just stuff. These material possesions don't define us, rather they confine us and limit the possibilities and opportunities we have. 'Stuff' boggs me down. To fill a garbage bag with things to give away gives me a sense of freedom, of accomplishment, of control over my surroundings. It felt so good to rid myself. This is me on my way to being organized.

Check back in two years: all my worldly possessions will dwindle down to what I'm willing to take on a plane.

Peace

I have an incredible desire to be organized. Everything needs to have a place. My biggest frustration at home is that not everything has a place and it just ends up wherever. I am not ok with this trend in my life. (I'm ok with my desk at work being like this.) To me home should be a very peaceful place.

I desire to be organized.

I Dream a Little Dream

I want to be a stay at home wife. Maybe it sounds silly to some, but really, I've never desired to work outside the home. I love my job most days, but it does make me long for the days when I will be able to stay home. Most likely this won't happen until we return from Rome, so for now I dream. I can definitely see that I was created to care for my family and not to bring home a paycheck. Sometimes, on days like today, I sit at my desk dreaming of what I imagine a life of working at home to be like.

I imagine doing laundry. Lots of laundry. Keeping up with it, folding it, putting it away, maybe even ironing.
I imagine having dinner ready at 7 pm every night. Or at least the same time every night.
I imagine dusting, doing dishes, managing the pantry, and sorting paperwork.

Josh asked me if I dream in black or white. Ha ha. I do in fact dream in color, but I get his joke.

Currently one of my largest frustrations in life is that I cannot keep up with housework. I'm not going to even use my 'busy' excuse anymore, I know that's not true. But who wants to be at work eight hours a day, sweat it out in the gym, and come home to housework. When I get home after the gym I want to sit on the living room floor, check facebook and watch TV. I'm tired! Throw in cooking dinner, and there's no way I'm going to fold two loads of laundry. Ugh.

I dream of being a stay at home wife.

A Wise Woman Once Told Me

This building relationships thing...for the past several months I've been struggling with wanting to build relationship in Kansas City. I very much want to make a ton of friends and live life with them. But, and this is the struggle, I will leave them in two years. I've been forcing myself to invest in relationships, to go to small group every week with these people that I truly love. I always come up with some excuse, I really want to go out for dinner, I need to get this workout in, my house is a mess, I just want a night off. I usually do make myself go, because I know I'll have a great time, I know that these are my friends. Still, its a struggle. I will miss these couples terribly when we leave. Knowing that you're moving halfway around the world makes it hard want to put down roots - it's all going to be gone in two years anyway.

I have a very good friend, whose daughter and son-in-law are also on deputation like me and Josh. I spilled my guts to her this afternoon; I think I talked for 50 minutes straight. Sandra said to me, "You have to put down roots, wherever you are. You put down roots, and when you move, you put down roots again. You just have to." Roots.

We took Jeff, D, and baby Jada dinner tonight. They are my roots. Tomorrow is Sandra's birthday, Nikki is cooking dinner for the six of us. They are my roots. Wednesday I will go to small group, they are my roots.

Throw Pillows

I could shop for furniture everyday of my life. I love it. Decorating my apartment on the other hand-I'm so indecisive. I could shop for new items for my home everyday, but when it comes to pulling out the cash and committing, I can't do it. Afraid of commitment. My walls are bare. I have no window trimmings, largely because its to hard to decide on a color. Josh won't let me pick brown. I'd pick brown for everything if I could. But we did it. Today we bought drapes. (I feel a little old, buying drapes.) And throw pillows. Drapes and throw pillows. Hopefully our living room feels a little more like home now. We are going to be here for the next year. (No house for us...I'm dealing with this in my own special way.) We might even stay here until we move to Rome, to avoiding moving all our stuff. So this is our home for now. I'm learning to love it. The throw pillows help.

As we're decorating around the apartment I can't help but think of what we'll be doing 24ish months from now. Moving. To. Rome. Wow. I'm so excited because I will get to completely decorate/furnish the flat from scratch. This incredibly excites me. I want an unfurnished apartment because then I can even plan out the entire kitchen. I say 'entire' though I know it will be tiny! This girl is not looking forward to a European kitchen. But, thanks to my good friends Grayson & Eryn and their research, I've discovered that a furnished apartment costs much more per square foot and an unfurnished apartment. So, spending a little more upfront means Josh and I can have a little more living space during our time in Roman suburbia. This is my own little way of owning a home. I won't own it. But it will be ours for five years, and if I get to put a kitchen in it, maybe it will feel like owning a home. Maybe. We'll see.

Graduation

Some of my best friends graduated yesterday. Becky, Jessie, and Ash. I'm so proud of them! Mostly I miss them though. I wonder if we'll still be in touch five years from now. Becky is getting married, Jess is moving to Dublin and Ash is going to Phoenix. AND I haven't seen any of them since October. This is me working on relationships. I miss these girls. I met Ashley the first week of school freshman year. And Becky soon after. I don't remember when I met Jessie, but I love her.

I love them all.

Awesome

One of my goals in bettering myself is to live a healthy lifestyle. One of the reasons is so that one day I'll be a healthy (& hott) mom. For now, I have a few pounds I want to lose. But this isn't a diet for me, its a lifestyle change. Not only implementing daily exercise into my routine (which I usually love), but having a healthy meal plan.

Lately I've become much more aware of what sorts of food I put into my body. Josh and I are trying to buy all our produce at the City Market. We're also being very selective in the kinds of foods we're eating, trying to get proper nutrition and healthy calorie intake. Broccoli, asparagus, Greek yogurt, whole wheat pasta, and meat raised with zero antibiotics our some of my new favorites. I haven't had red meat in about month. Its a whole new life style that makes grocery shopping very time consuming and a bit pricey, but combine that with my exercise routine, and I'm loving it.

As I was leaving for the gym last night, Josh challenged me to put in a hard workout. So I did. I admit, I've been slacking a bit lately - my mind just races with all the others things that need to be done around the house. So last night I took a small notebook and pen with me. It helped so much! Total Burn: 852 in roughly 90 minutes! Awesome.

Seriously?

Sometimes I feel that I have a crazy schedule. Then I look at my friends: brand new babies, working full time + coaching parttime, working full time and attending grad school classes at night (Josh is in grad school, but he's online so I think its not as hard to juggle that), being involved in several ministries. I feel like a busy schedule is the excuse I use for why I haven't bought a baby gift yet for a shower that was in April, its the reason my home is always a bit messy, grocery shopping is at the last minute, and I always feel a little frazzled.

The state of my home (clean/messy/cluttered/cozy) directly affects my irritability level. Business is my excuse.

Seriously, I am not that busy. I work 40 hours a week-no more no less. I have no crying children to attend to. Josh may me in school, but I am not. No more excuses.

Solution. I make my to-do list today, and its going to be a beast. It will be great! I love lists. This excites me a little.

Also, I plan on getting 90 minutes less sleep every night which will put me at 7 hours. I perform best with this amount of sleep. We'll see how it goes.

Transplant

I have lived full time in Kansas City for 12 months; and spent the previous 12 months living in KC part time. Its my home, I very much love it here. But I still feel as if I don't have a lot of friends in the area. I have my small group (which is really not small at all, with 13 couples) and the women I work with. I consider many of these women friends.

I'm working on developing really strong relationships with the women around me. I love them already. I love seeing them every week. But I often wonder if these friendships I've made over the past 12 months will be sustained when I'm on another continent, if they're strong enough to survive our five years in Rome. I want to have the friend I can call from Rome (via Skype of course :)) and verbally vomit to about all the crazy culture shock I'm going through. I think about this a lot.

That being said, I'm still trying to grow roots. Being intentional about it just makes me think about 'growing roots' constantly. It's a struggle. I feel awkward and out of place. Success though - I have attended small group both last week and this week and didn't talk about Rome once. It was a goal of mine. Everyone is I'm sure tired of hearing "Rome, Rome, Rome, support, support, support." I'm not really sure why I had this goal, but its now been accomplished. Maybe I'll mention Rome next week. Probably not.

So, growing roots is hard. And awkward. Well, maybe I'm just awkward.

A First Time for Everything

Welcome!

This is my story of becoming who I want to be. I have all these dreams, desires, ambitions, hopes, and goals that I want to accomplish or integrate into my life. I want to be a reader. I want to document my life completely in scrapbooks. I want to be fit and healthy. I want to be a mom. I want to be financially prepared for what comes next. I want to make lifelong friendships that will survive a five year stint in Rome. I want to finish my degree. I want to become a really good cook. I want to be a blogger. (I promise-I don't usually sound this selfish. I, I, I.) I want to be a Proverbs 31 wife. I want to have a clean, cozy home.

Everyday a new dream pops into my head. There are so many things I want to do, I feel as if I'm just standing still staring at all the possibilities. Just like in the morning, when I stare into my closet. "What shirt to wear?" What direction do I go from here?