Last night I had an intense conversation with a close friend. Some of it was good intense, some of it, tense intense. I'm not sure if it was our conversation, my exhaustion, my emotions, or simply being at the end of my rope...but so many emotions flooded to the surface. I responded to an email from a dear friend whom I haven't talked to in way too long...which resulted in even more emotions. I sent a few deserpate messages off to people I miss. And then I cried.
The result of last night is me on the verge of tears whenever I start to actually think about something. Not because of bad stuff, or at least all bad stuff, but more because of the sheer volume of thoughts and emotions and processes going through my head. And to be honest, some really hard stuff. I might burst. If you ask me how I'm doing, be prepared. I may just decide to tell you, which would quickly lead to me in a pile of tears and incoherent words.
I feel as if we had a very blessed holiday season. I was able to smile about situations and really realize how blessed we are. I got some shine back. I was starting to climb out of the valley. When someone asked how I was doing, I was good. And that was an honest answer. I'm still good. But its as if last night I was forced to face all the things I'm struggling with. Those nasty little voices in my head have been getting louder the past few months; my answer was to pretend they were there. Last night I stopped pretending. Largely because I was too tired to push the thoughts to the back of my mind. So they were just there - staring me in the face.
I feel numb. I feel raw. If in fact it is possible to have both those feelings at once.