I'm thankful. I'm thankful that people see Josh and I as missionaries and this 'step of faith' we're taking, as they so often refer to it. Hopefully, our lives can be testimonies to the people around of of God's grace and provision. But the whole 'deciding to be a missionary, move to the other side of the world, sell all our stuff' - that was an easy decision. It was never a question. We've know for years this was our path.
The harder part is continuing to trust that he led us to the right field. We followed in faith, but what if we made a mistake. Trusting that he will bring in our funds. Every.Single.Day. Some days I don't worry at all. Some days I'm so frustrated and stressed that I make myself sick.
Challenging people is so hard. And I currently stink at it. People tell us they admire our faith. How do I challenge them to grow theirs by giving back to God what is already His in the first place; trusting that He'll provide for their needs, just as He provides for ours.
How do you balance your desires with God's will? He knows the desires of our hearts, but when is it time to let go of an idea? When do you pray with all your heart for things to happen? Do you question? Do you challenge yourself? Do you quit your job hoping and praying that this results in urgency from partners?
I've asked all those questions of myself in the past 24 hours. My life (and little ol' brain) is swirling with questions these days. Questions that I don't have answers to. Some that I don't want answers to. A few that I'm afraid to ask because I'm just not strong enough yet. Oh - and another - when / how do you just start believing its going to happen?
All that verbal (written?) vomit being said, we're building our prayer team this month. Or, I guess, I am. I've sort of taken on this task as Josh works on setting up appointments for the rest of the summer. Though we may talk of financial support more, prayer support is even more vital. We've been convicted recently of our lack of effort in building our prayer team.
So, this is me, now. I'm seeking prayer warriors. People who will commit to spending some serious time praying for us. On your knees, in your closet, driving to work. Because this whole trusting thing, its hard.
(In case you're trying to read between the lines [I hate it when bloggers write in abstract verses the facts] somewhere in there are thoughts on infertility and timing and all that jazz. But I guess that's abstract too.)