I have so many thoughts running around in my head, but when I voice them, they sound all jumbled and don't make sense. My thoughts don't lead anywhere. I'm finally processing the past month, in this new place, but I haven't come to any conclusion. So, I can't really tell you what I'm thinking because I don't know.
I do know that God has a plan. I sort of think He has seven plans but hasn't decided yet, because it seems like everything is contradictory and doesn't make sense. In some ways I feel disconnected.
I do know that yesterday seemed perfect, but tonight I was uncomfortable. Maybe it was the processing. I have this weird emotion in my stomach that I can't describe. I'd rather have this emotion that none, but I don't really know what it is. And its weird.
Ash and I talked for hours today, mostly at lunch but then throughout the day. Lunch was so good. Just talking, catching up on her life. Sometimes I feel like when you go to visit someone they feel the need to constantly entertain you. Which is fine and fun and all, but part of me is like, I didn't really come here to see Phoenix. I came here to see Ash and Mike and Dez and their church.
My friends here are Real. And I love it. Everyone once in a while, I'll remember something I said earlier and I'll wonder if I'm really comfortable with as much as I said. (Like, Did I really want to share that much info? That was kind of personal.) But I can be transparent here. I can just tell the truth with these people and they'll do the same with me. Its so refreshing. The only reason I have those delayed thoughts is because I can't be transparent like that in Kansas City. I tried, but it everyone was just uncomfortable with that. No body wants to see that next level. How are we supposed to live life together if we can't even ask the questions were thinking in our head? If we can't voice our thoughts, concerns, questions. How can we truly know one another? If we don't have the freedom to ask (& respond) when we don't understand. Its like there's this line and going deeper is not permitted. We preach vulnerability, but we don't experience it.
I have no idea what God is up to, except that I can feel something coming. I feel like He's getting ready to do something, and maybe He's just been getting my attention. I can feel it in that deep pit of my stomach.
Last thought: I feel like I don't even know what to pray for right now. I don't know what God has in store. I don't know where this is all going. I mean, I always pray for His will to be accomplished in our life, but you know that really gets kind of boring to pray for. I guess maybe I just want some specifics.