I've said before that depuation is hard. Its purpose I believe is to grow and stretch me therefore increasing my faith. Well, it also happens to increase frustration along the way.
I have complete faith that come July, Josh and I will be fine. Our support level needs to be at 50% - this is a number that our leadership has set for us. God may indeed have another plan. While Josh's salary may decrease, we will be fine. We are prepared financially for this to happen. We follow a budget, we save, we have an emergency fund.
Sometimes though, I find myself stressing about this support raising process. It was strange to me, to get so frustrated at the process, and yet have this confidence and lack of worry. How could I harbor both these feelings at the same time. But it hit me last night. I wasn't stressed because I thought we'd struggle financially in the coming months. I was stressed because I wasn't impressed with our efforts. We haven't made enough contact with potential supporters, we often forget to make phone calls and follow up with people. I was 100% confident that God would supply His funds in His time. But I wanted to be doing our part, and I feel like we aren't. While I know that God produces the results and its nothing I do, I still feel like I need to be putting in the work. I need to be trying.
Nikki had a really good line that fits perfectly with this, but I can't remember exactly. So, Nikki, please comment!
HA! Was it the one my pastor said to us at the beginning? Sometimes you get things you don't work for, because you work for things you didn't get.
ReplyDeleteWe have been in this very place before. Use it to motivate yourself, rather than feel defeated and beat yourself up over it. I think that's part of the process too. But deputation does require some work. But it's not business as usual with God...so sometimes even the work you put in, leaves you scratching your head when the funds don't follow. I think that it's just God's funny way of getting us to totally rely on Him.
Hey...
ReplyDeleteI totally understand what you say when you are talking about harboring the two different and seemingly opposing feelings.. but sometimes I think that one leads to the other. You are carrying the stress and trying to let go of it... but through all that, through that you find faith and find the knowledge and strength to further trust God in it...
It does feel weird though... to have conflicting feelings...